GO HOME. WE EVEN STAYED OPEN AN HOUR LATER THAN USUAL, BUT NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE. WHY WON'T YOU GO HOME? ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR YOUR HOME? HUH? Sincerely,Your Friendly Neighborhood Target employee
Dear First Daytona Tag Agency,I understand that I made the grave error of not being born in this state. It's admirable that you want to keep people from moving here- after all, you're one big tourist area, and people should VISIT, not LIVE here, right? However, don't you think it might've been more effective if I'd been given some notice before being required to pay two hundred dollars for daring to make this my state of residence? The hour-and-a-half wait at the counter was a big deterrent as well, yes, but it's honestly a bit late for these tactics.Also, please count yourself lucky that I'm allergic to jails, as that is the only reason I didn't leap over the counter and strangle the mouthbreather you have for a clerk. DEAR GOD, WOMAN, ITS JUST A FORM ON THE COMPUTER. YOU ONLY HAVE TO COPY IT OVER FROM WHAT YOU JUST NOW WROTE DOWN. ITS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.Apparently reduced to capslock,Amy
Dear Other Residents of my home.When I can't walk into the kitchen without stepping on a. A fly carcass or b. a live squirming maggot?IT IS TIME TO CLEAN THE FUCKING KITCHEN.Since apparently you can't understand the concept of "infestation", I'm going to spend my day sweeping, spraying, mopping and scrubbing. On the hottest fucking day of the year, I'm going to deal with my least favorite thing in the universe: bugs in my goddamn house.I shouldn't be surprised that you seemed more concerned with my using chemicals to kill the flies than the fact that THERE IS A FUCKING BREEDING GROUND IN OUR GODDAMN KITCHEN. You know. WHERE WE KEEP THE FOOD WE EAT? And you're worried about the cats getting sick?! YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT GETTING THE FUCKING PLAGUE. Asshole.That said, I'm getting off the computer now and going to clean off the kitchen table, move the dining set out of the kitchen, find the mop, find the Mr. Clean, find the bucket (which I have no doubt are all in different places and covered with a fine layer of cobwebs), sweep the floor, spray FUCKING EVERYTHING WITH THE GODDAMN CHEMICALS YOU HATE SO MUCH, mop the floor, put everything BACK into the kitchen, and clean the table, chairs, cat dishes, counter tops, cabinets, and stove top. I won't be holding my breath for your help.Sincerely,A righteously, RIGHTEOUSLY pissed off and disgusted Anna.
Dear Eastern US IHOPs,What about a blintz (a great deal of cheese wrapped in a crepe and topped with strawberries) makes you think that adding a dollop of sour cream would be a good idea?Seriously, what? Why do you want to ruin the sugar in a perfectly good dessert food? Why do you want to hurt me like that?Not getting it over here,Amy
Dear Swervy McSwervington,I realize your steady diet of beer, pork rinds and No-Doze makes it hard to stay on the ball, but GODDAMN! When you are driving 18 wheels of steely death down the highway, this swaying two-lane mambo you had going just won't do! Watch more "Smokey and The Bandit" and less of "The Hitcher". Otherwise, I will need to arm my vehicle with military grade fire-power for the greater good!Put down the issue of Big'uns and steer, fuck face!Arming the big guns,Nix